- Mood:
confused
Roomie took us out to delicious wingies-place yesterday. I looked up the caloric content of wingsies before we went- meat only, about 80 cals, skin and meat, a whopping 200-ish, plus 10 g fat. So what do I do, on 50 cent wing tuesdays? Get a whole shitload of wings, and just noshed. Didn't even count how many I ate. Plus a light beer. I wanted to go purge right then and there, and the waiter took a while getting back to us with the check, making me even more nervous- what if by the time I get home all the chicken-y goodness (badness) has moved into my small intestine!? Gasp! So I went home and purged. It was so easy...maybe too easy. I think all the tea I'd drunk before helped it come up better. I'd just inhaled entire chunks of chicken meat, which were still intact. Ehh.
I don't want to make a habit of purging. I just couldn't deal with feeling the food in me all night long, guilt guilt guilt.
So Charles and Lisa are having a baby. I'm thrilled, cause no longer will lisa be the skinniest chick in the restaurant, and I know she prides herself on her thinness. I win! Isn't that fucked up? Also, I overheard charles talking about diets with another server, who's on the weight watchers (i told her about the tropicana 50 cal orange juice- sharing the love. Plus, screwdrivers under 200 cals! Fab-o!), and he was saying how sometimes he won't eat for about 5 days. That explains his skinny foxiness. If I had to guess, I'd say they're an eating disordered couple. I wish my bf was hot and skinny. Sometimes, I just look at him, and wince.
I've been squeezing my fatty bits a lot more lately. It sucks, cause in bed, I'll just lie there, squeezing the fat on my thighs, tum, booty, etc. I've only got $30 to my name, a shitty job, everything in my life is unpleasant right now, and the only thing that makes me happy is being ed. Every successful, food-free day is thrilling. I haven't been serious until about a month ago, I mean, I've been cheating, smoking weed, eating 1000 cals, drinking- but I'm seeing a real difference, which in turn motivates me. I'm gonna post some pics of me later tonight, I think. I'm the skinniest I've been maybe ever, and I'm kinda proud.
wish me luck avoiding the food today.
oh, btw, fitnessrx (for women!) has interesting articles, particularly this months one about "is skinny healthy?" Answer: fuck no, skinny isn't healthy, but I sure think it looks good. And i found it sort of funny that they said being underweight can actually help you avoid some illnesses, such as becoming diabetic. Hmm, I wonder if my bf would lose the diabetes if he lost a bunch of weight. It's funny that I'm much more concerned with other people's health than my own.
- Location:over dere
- Mood:awake
So. The other day, I read that strength training doesn't raise your BMR by a noticible degree, unless you're a bodybuilder. Ew. And, also, damnit.
All the things I read and research are confusing. I'm supposed to eat several small meals a day, but I shouldn't eat until I'm desperately hungry. If I go too long desperately hungry, I'll wreck my metabolism, and it'll take even longer. The polyphenols in green tea can help me burn about 60- 100 more cals a day, but I have to drink 3 cups of it a day. Green tea has caffeine, and insomnia contributes to weight gain. Weight loss is simply a matter of mathematics: use more calories than you consume, and you will lose the difference in weight. Blah blah, etc. etc.
Haven't weighed myself in about a week. I was doing so well. SO WELL, until my dumb boyfriend got a delicious snack and pestered me about eating it. Fuck.
See, my problem isn't emotional eating, or insatiable appetite; no, I love how things taste. Unfortunately, to taste something, you usually have to eat it. I think it'd be sweet to work in one of those labs that develops artificial flavors. I'd make all sorts of calorie-free deliciousness.
People are starting to tease me. I bought some diet pills at Walmart, and the damn things set off the sensor at the door, so the guy had to look in my bag, and write down the product name and everything. And then he asked why I was taking diet pills, and started offering all this workout advice and so on and soforth. It was so embarassing. I tried pushing out my stomach, so he didn't think I was as crazy as I actually am, trying to show some tum-pudge. Probably didn't help that I'd also bought E-Z Fiber and sugarless gum. I'm getting sick of people offering healthy advice, when I want to be skinnier than "healthy". My BF recently told me I had "the nice kind of big ass". I was horrified. But then again, he also always says how good-looking I am. He's nice. And today, at work, when I asked to order food from the bartender (we have a weight watchers menu- i usually get a portabello chicken sandwich, with fruit, and give the sandwich to someone), he gave me a hard time, cause i'd forgotten to pay for my meal last week. He was joking, but he said, "you like wearing skinny jeans, don't you? you don't need to order food..." I used to fancy him, before I realized he had a GF, who, btw, is soooo skinny. But, that joke just ate (HAW) at me all day after that. Fuck.
I wonder if his GF is ana.
I've been trying different methods of reminding myself of my goal. I read some fiction book, where this overweight chinese girl tied a string around her waist, or, well, her mom did, and wouldn't let her eat until it fell down to her hips. I've tried tying a red string, or piece of ribbon around my wrist. I happen to have a nervous habit of biting the fuck out of my lips, which makes eating physically painful. I carry around a list of the caloric values of my restaurant's menu items. Some of them are terrifying. I put tons of hot sauce on everything, forcing me to drink tons of water as I dine, making me stop eating faster, and helping me feel full.
I don't think I look much different. I can see my ribs, at the top, now, even when I exhale. I sort of have what I call the "tummy line" from the sternum to the belly button. I swear my arms are skinnier. But I bet your ass when I step on that scale, it's gonna say the same fucking thing. I wanna go see a nutritionist, or whatever it's called, metabolism-measuring-stuff-people, but again, it'll get some weird reactions. "Why do you want to lose weight?" AGH. Cause I'm too fat for my standards. Not yours, but mine.
I wish my gym had classes. I wanna lengthen my stubby muscles with some pilates.
Goin to sleeps nows.
- Location:mas
- Mood:
drained - Music:tv
I don't know how I gained 4 lbs. I've been so good. So Fucking good. Haven't been taking my lexapro. Got in a huge couple of fights with the bf. SI'd. Had sex. Been sleeping a whole lot. Did some hydros. About to do the other half that got washed in my pocket in a gum wrapper. Confronted my managers about them being hypocritical assholes. Ended up walking away from the gm, shaking my head sadly. Stopped caring about my job. Lost 1" from my thighs.
Always a silver lining.
Anyway, I'm guessing I'm building some muscle, hence the weight gain, yet the thigh slenderizing. I have been noticing that my legs are looking better; same with the upper ab area. I guess I'll just have to keep going to lose the muscle now. It's funny, if I was a size 0 yet weighed 165 lbs, I'd still be miserable. I want to be tight AND weigh nothing.
I want to spend more time with my mom, but I know that if I do, she'll start to notice my ed-tendencies. Sigh. BF is easier, cause he works so much, plus he thinks I'm trying to influence his eating habits by being careful w/ my own (hey, couldn't hurt- he is a fatty).
My plant is almost done blooming. I can't wait to start planting some veggies again. My broccoli sucked last year, and I love broccoli.
Why can't I lose weight like everyone else? I didn't want to fast, and risk fucking up my metabolism, so I restricted and exercised, and gained. Fuck. Maybe I SHOULD fast.
- Location:ma's
- Mood: disappointed
Did a whole bunch of exercises in the living room just now, and I'm glad, cause I came home and noshed on a ton of saltines, fuck. I've been so good today, with my south beach diet tv dinner and my skinny water. I totally felt awful and disgusted, like I can't go one damn day without this munching! On the plus side, it couldn't have been more than 200-250 cals. maybe 300. Fuck. Ew. It's better than me eating cookies, I guess. Plus, it's that time again, so I know I'm gonna drop about 5 lbs. in the next day or two (I always do- weird, but who's complaining). Woot! Was down 1/2 a pound since yesterday. Better than nothing. I hope I didn't forget which day the rave was on- I hope it wasn't tonight, cause I left my phone over at mom's. I was thinking of going all- gothic lolita, but maybe I should be a bit more rave-y.
Tried jumping rope outside, but it was too noisy. Poop, I heard it burns like 11 cals a minute. (10 minutes an apple, haha) Did jumping jacks, weights, ball-stuff, nordictrack stuff. Should I do upper-thigh exercises? I don't wanna bulk em up any more. I've got chunk legs, and I don't wanna look like Mia Hamm (no offense, Mia).
I wish I could puke, sometimes, it just hurts so bad. I hate having food in me. All I can do is just not put it in there in the first place, I guess.
My tummy's been gurgling a lot lately. I think it's the amatiza. That shit hurts. I don't know if i like it.
Dreading spring, and less clothing. Eeek. I can't flaunt my fatness and scarred-upedness and sweaty pimply face skinnededness and frizzy humidity hairedness.
BF's little brother is a punk. Using up my stuff... lucky I've got a secret stash. Motherfucker.
- Location:m's
- Mood:
mellow - Music:tv
on the plus side, my skinny bondage jeans fit again (tightly, however). my shoulders are killing me, so i went in the basement and did a few pull-downs on the exercise machine, took a muscle relaxer, rolled my shoulder over a tennis ball (it helps). im drinking some green tea with some benefiber (helps kill the hungry munchies!)
ooh! I wanted to make a list of some of my favorite foods/bevs/etc. for weight loss:
Skinny water- comes in "a kiss of lemon" or "a kiss of peach". reminds me of fruit20, but tastier. it has 10 cals a bottle, plus super citrimax for hunger control. it totally works for me- i forget to eat at work when ive got it. its about 5.99 a six pack, and ive only found it at target.
Fuze "slenderize" drinks- the cranberry one is the tastiest, imo. same as the Skinny water in cals per serving (5) and super citrimax.
i think theyre about $2. Found at wegmans, gas stations, etc.
Crystal light LiveActive "for digestive health" Drink mix. Comes in one serving packets that are about as big as your finger, and i think they have mixed berry as well as raspberry peach (which is what i got). 10 cals per serving, but you can mix more water with it to dilute it a bit and make it go further. it tastes like kool-ade with sugar in it, straight-up! its got 13% of your daily req. of fiber, important for me, cause ive got ibs, plus, the fiber makes it super-filling. $2.49 a box, with 10 servings. Found it at my local supermarket.
FiberCon tablets. It says on the bottle they're a laxative, but they're more a fiber supplement- not meant to do a big, one-time clean-out, you're meant to take them everyday, so you, eh...don't have poopin' problems. Swallow em quick, cause they taste like ass, but OMG, you could smoke the fattest blunt to yourself and not feel hungry! My mom gave em to me, so I don't know the price, but I'd guess they're available pretty much anywhere fiber suplements are sold.
Hot Sauces- they have 0-15 cals per serving, flavor-ify boring, bland foods, and I read somewhere that spicy things increase your metabolism by 1%. Fuck it, can't hurt, especially if you like spicy foods, like me. Throw one or two jalepenos on a rice cake (about 3 cals, some 0 cal hot sauce- plus, your mouth being on fire'll make you chug water, filling you up!
I forget the name, but I'll post it later, but there's this calorie-free salad dressing! Comes in most of the usual flavors, Basalmic, ranch, raspberry vinaigrette (my fave), 1000 island, etc. look in the REFRIGERATED salad dressings. About $3-4. I like to mix the TINIEST drop of hot sesame oil with it (don't OD- it's 14 grams of fat per TBSP.) plus Some HOT SHOT! Red and black pepper mix. (with the spices, $2-ish).
My exercise ball. I didn't know I could get to all those tiny little ab muscles before! Varies, I think mine's a 33-inch, got it from walmart for around $10, but y'all prolly knew about those already! I'm just in love (N.D. + E.B. 4 EVA)
A Shot at Love w/ Tila Tequila - one of my fave short girl thinspos. (im watching the second season right now- god I want her legs!)
Chopsticks. I've taken to eating everything with chopsticks. It takes longer, if you're new to using them, but that's good, cause if you eat slower, you eat less. plus, I cant scoop up more cheese/dressing/sauce with them as well. Tell your parents you're on an asian food kick or something. I got a pack of...24-ish for $1.99 at the supermarket.
Sencha 5X green tea. It comes in a bright green can, about 1/2 the size of a redbull can. The 5X refers to the double-brewed, 5X the antioxidants qualities. Plus, it'll get you as wired as a few espressos. I found it in the organics section of my supermarket, for about $1.29.
My food scale. You can spend from $2 to $200 dollars on a food scale, so its really up to you, but haven't you always wondered what 50 grams of lettuce looks like? Answer- it's a hell of a lot of lettuce. It took me twice as long to make my salad, but it's nice knowing EXACTLY how many cals you're eating. I enter the amount of food at Calorieking.com (Ex.- I serving of baby carrots is 3 OZ., and 35 cals. What if I want a third of that? That's 11.6 cals per ounce.) I find it especially helpful on work days, or 2 of 2468 days. I make myself one or two 50-cal salads, and I know exactly how many cals I can have the rest of the day. If you work at a restaurant, like me, you know how maddening it can be when you don't have caloric values for, say, salads and soups or the "healthier" menu items.
Wishbone salad spritzers- 1 calorie per spray! Now, one spray definitely isn't enough- the serving size is 10 sprays- but I usually can do 4-5 spritzes.
I forget the name, but it's health/heart something- spray butter! 0 calories per spray! Booyah! About $3 at most supermarkets.
Molly Mc butter- 5 cals per serving. Do they still make this? Or is the last bottle on earth chilling in my cupboard? Dunno, but it really tastes butter-y, despite the fact it's powdered.
I'll add more as I think of it. My BF is coming to pick me up. I finally admitted to him yesterday that the reason I haven't been affectionate is cause he's, well...fat. Not obese, but def overweight. He's coming with me to the gym tonight, too! So maybe we'll both be skinny someday, and I won't be grossed out by his looks! Hooray!
- Location:mom's
- Mood:Eh~.
I cant figure out how to do an lj cut. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
- Mood: confused
K. I mostly made this lj so i could meet other ana/mia individuals, share thinspiration, dieting tips and whatnot, and also so I have a journal of my progress.
I'm 5' 1", so I'm really short. This means, I look squat and stocky. Imagine a person, made out of playdough, a girl of, oh, 5' 7", 115 lbs. She looks good, right? Slender and whatnot, looong torso, legs, etc.? Okay. Now, squash her down to MY height. She's thicker and chubbier, even though she's the same weight. I hate how everything looks thicker when you're shorter. I ain't gonna grow any higher, so I have to weigh less to look good.
Now, "Looking good" varies from person to person. People tell me I'm skinny now. Fuck them. Isn't it funny how the tall, skinny girls always tell you that? I've noticed a lot of ana's have certain fixations- collarbone, spine, belly, hips, thighs, what have you- you know, kinda like some guys are a "boob man" or an "ass man". Mine tend to be stomach, hips and thighs, but everything from my eyebrows down could use some skinniosity.
I draw in a manga-ish style usually, and usually skinny, punk/lolita-ish girls. I'll get some pics up later, maybe. Ah, to be a tall, skinny chick with slender calves, able to wear long boots without them going over her knees...
Anyhoo. Today was day 1 of my fast. I chose today seeing as yesterday (T.M.I. alert) I had to take some laxatives, cause, lucky me, I've got the IBS. So at work today (I work at a chain casual dining restaurant with unfortunately delicious food) I was rather good:
Water w/ lemon
2 quarter-sized strawberries (I was feeling nauseous. They helped.)
2 mints, with negligible caloric content
And I figure I burned off the strawberries by walking home. I dunno how far, but it takes about 20-25 mins, rocking out to mp3's, at a decent pace mallwalkers would be proud of.
Current stats:
Weight: 117
Height: 5' 1"
BMI: 22.15
Bust: 36" B-C (auugh! I hate boobs!)
Waist: 27"
Hip(that squishy part right above the hip bones):30"
Both Thighs (the saddle-baggy part): 37" *uuep*
Thigh (circumference) 22.5"
Calf (circumference) 14" (They're all muscle! Time to get my pilates on)
***Now is, I forgot, Day 2**
I made my mom coffee (in the kitchen, of course) and awesomely resisted the fridge and made strawberry tea instead! Hooray! I DID drink about 2 oz. of sugar-free red bull that I'd left out, but as the entire can is 10 cals, I don't feel so bad (1, 2, 2.5 cals, maybe?)
I made some Easter treats, in an attempt to kiss-ass at work (cause they hate the new people), mini cadbury eggs and mini chocolate bar things and those chocolate eggs, all put inside those colorful plastic eggs. I was thinking of painting names on 'em, but those motherfuckers wouldn't really appreciate it, so... ...while I did eat a few mini milky ways, (this was yesterday, pre-Dulcolax) at least I won't be tempted by the half-full (or half-empty? hurr hurr) bag of choco-eggs. I can't eat straight chocolate. I hate it. It's ew. I guess that's an ana-bonus. That and the lactose intolerance- haven't eaten ice cream in years, and not for lack of wanting to.
Yesterday, I was browsing some IBS support forums, and found this post I found interesting:
Hi - I am so sorry to hear of the tough time you are going through right now. I was in your place 3 years ago and was very depressed because of it. It does get better! I didn't believe that then and I don't blame you if you feel that way right now. My
Piper
The only blessing of IBS is a huge incentive not to eat- not only will I get fat if I eat, I'll get sick as well. If there's no food in me, I won't be in pain. Win/win!
Huge post. I'ma go sleep and eat dream candies. Dream candy has no calories.
- Location:Ma's
- Mood:Headache-y
- Music:Telebi
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